Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Ohh, the regrets!

Prelogue: If you can't make much of the following post, its probably not your fault. If you can, then you are probably like me!

Ever been in a situation where you are carrying multiple layers of regret all at the same time till you are in a state where you cannot distinguish which one you feel more regret for, the root cause or is after effects or its cascades?

One such day today. I am a total mess mentally and feel completely burdened under my own mis-doings. And adding to that, I feel that I totally deserved this torture.

I have been in this situation before.

Something that I totally regret is done. Whether or not its my own fault. Or that of the situation that I was in. Or that of people around me. Whether or not I actually did it. This regrettable thing which is especially prickly is done. While I am still trying to recover from that regret, I go and do something that achieves the nett effect of taking this regrettable thing and putting it into a 1000W speaker, so that now the regret is magnified and pricks a 1000 times more. Sometimes this process repeats a couple or three times.

Then I have this tendency where if someone I highly respect and seek to be always respected by will say something to the effect of "Ohh, you shouldn't have done that". Nicely. Regrettably. Not so nicely. Sometimes not in as many words, sometimes in more words than that. But how its said doesn't even matter. Now lets get on. How many DBs do we have. Heck, I can't even count this in any measurable units. So lets call it the big bang. 2-3 times 1000W speaker effect plus another big-bang type effect. Almost always, the big bang is the worst part (obviously!)

Thats it.

Now I am regretting the regrettable thing. Plus I am regretting the 1000W speaker effect that I created myself. (Remember, sometimes its 2-3 speakers in serial iterations). Plus I am constantly hearing the big bang.

Which in turn affects everything I do. I try to keep my work immune from it. But sometimes it has everything to do with work, something regrettable has happened at work itself :( Whether or not I did it.

Usually I get over it in a couple of days. But that is the problem. I never seem to learn the lesson. Which in turn keeps me going through these phases ever so often, damn! To make a mistake is forgivable, to repeat the same mistake is not.

Maybe after I post this, in a couple of days, I will regret posting a blog about my mental state and that will re-kindle this effect. But then maybe it will be a reminding lesson and I will be the better off for it.

Maybe. Just maybe.


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