What a final.

First, I confess, I did not follow anything in the Australian Open, except the last 2 hours of yesterday's match.

Yesterday, I also figured exactly why I stopped watching any kind of sport. I hate to have to go through the vicarious sense of loss. It is all ok when whomever you are rooting for wins, but when they lose, it is just way too much waste of emotions on a loss that is not even your own! I think when I was younger I could afford it maybe(?) but of late, I have completely shut off because I have other things to prioritize and feel a sense of loss towards..

So anyways, I stopped watching the match, when, in the fourth set, Djok could have broken serve but did not. He looked too tired. And I didn't want to see him lose, I was rooting for him (I know a lot of people will hate me, but I never liked Rafa ;), his sport is too rowdy, too burlish). But when we turned on the TV to see they were still neck to neck in the fifth set, I figured both are equally good/bad/tired/mentally tough and just watched it through. What a match! And what a reaction at the end from Djok, perfect! His relief (more than happiness) came from the pits of his stomach and everyone could see that. During the presentation which was short already, neither was able to stand on their own, total physical exhaustion! Full paisa vasool match for all those guys who stayed in that stadium till 2 AM!

Two months..

Today was another monthly ceremony for Subhash's mom. We did it at home and crossing fingers for that. This time we both were worried about being able to do it at home since we were having a tough time finding the right purohit/cook for it. Thanks to his aunts, in no small way, we finally found and closed on Friday night within 2-3 hours!! And slept in peace. Today we started around noon and wrapped up around 3.30. One more down, 11 more to go. I am hoping and wishing we can get everything done as per plan, at home.

Two months past how is life? Routine, moving at a nice comfortable pace. We get adjusted one more bit every day.

Somehow I felt in the few days following her death, that going forward, we don't have to worry about anything. Somehow, through some unknown medium,  I think a message came across to me that she will take care of things for us going forward. When things go wrong, I actually feel someone is fixing them up. Or making it a little less painful to bear. I believe it is her, maybe it is just my faith :)

Again, whenever I look back on the past year, I feel good that we did what best we could for her. Especially in that last 10 days she was at home. I fed her the last meal she ever had. Gave her the last bath she ever took. Huge satisfaction factors. No regrets. I think this keeps me in peace.

2011, the year gone by!

2011 was possibly one of the worst years in the recent past for me (if not ever). The kid fell sick with an amazing regularity, and the one very early in the year was absolutely very scary. Subhash's mom fell sick around the middle of the year and then on, it was a bi-monthly trip to the hospital for her till she finally succumbed in November. It has been one hell of a year ridden with tension and apprehension about what tomorrow will bring with it.

Possibly the only positive was that I recovered very well professionally, thanks to a decision to switch teams last year. Professionally 2011 was way better than 2010, I have to admit.

Here is hoping that 2012 will be much better (provided the world does not end by then!!!)

One month already.

Today we concluded two days of religious ceremonies for my mother-in law's first month anniversary. One shanthi puja and two "masikams" as we call it. For the first one year, it is a monthly event. The adage is that the soul travels in steps (majilis) to its final destination and what we provide every month, makes for their meals at each step. I cannot believe that I've already gone from having dinner with her every single night to providing meals to her soul, so fast :(

After everything was done and the purohits left (they came in from Hyd), we just sat down, my father in law and I, and were thinking how it has already been a month, when we saw the time, it was exactly to the tee - 2.45 PM. One month ago (the Indian calendar's one month coincided with the Roman calendar's one month this time) on the same date and time, my mother in law passed away. Sometimes it feels very long ago, sometimes it feels like yesterday. Swinging emotions. It has been an eventful month for sure though, with lots of things happening, lots of things learnt, lots of things done. We feel like adults now, performing last rites and death-related rituals, with people coming and staying at our place etc. I was telling Subhash, we need to expand our inventory in terms of kitchen utensils and bedding, we have officially moved into my in-laws' league. Too early, too soon :(

One debate we have been having is whether or not we should do the monthly rituals at home. The first month and the 6+ month one are important, and except for those, Subhash's dad says (and rightfully), that it will be a lot of work to do it every month at home, we should just go to the nearby Raghavendra Mutt and do it there. But I want to do each of them at home. For a very special reason.

When my father in law's brother died, his sons did the monthly event at home, every single month. The older cousin is a CEO and the younger one is one of the top executives in his firm. Both busy, working guys. And my mother in law used to tell me that she felt so good seeing them doing the rituals at home every month. And she said this multiple times, over the few years it has been since. The older cousin got all the yearly dates ahead of time and would plan his travel around them (he travels a lot) so that he would be in town when the date came around. And I think she particularly loved it, that sons, who were so busy, in this age and time, took the time to do it this way. If my mother in law is indeed on the journey to her final destination (and that is what our belief system is), I am sure she will be happy, proud and content that her meals are also coming from home. So at least I have emulated the cousins in the first step, taken all the dates ahead of time and put them in my Outlook. Now I hope I have enough strength and favouring circumstances, so we can get this done properly, every single month, at home.

We see her in everything at home and sometimes it really tugs at the heart. I had to prepare the madi sarees yesterday and I only have silk ones so I had to pull out a couple of her sarees and both Subhash and I were sighing at the sight of all her clothes. Here was a person we were living with, day in and day out, talking to, looking at, eating with, and suddenly, it is just thin air, no person. I still look in the fridge every day and see that dabba of chutney that she made, and wonder where she is now. I have never experienced anything like it. Grandparents, uncles etc have died, but we never lived with them constantly, they were never part of our day to day routine so it was sad but in a distant sort of way. This, on the other hand, is right at home, affects our very daily routine and it is not easy to get a grip around it. For a long time to come, this is going to linger and hurt.

I hope you had a good and satisfying meal ma. Unfortunately, you are not around to tell me how much you loved it :(

One more milestone

Yesterday it was three years since we had the house-warming for this house. At the risk of driving away all my readers with repeated melancholic posts, it reminds me about Subhash's mom. As per our traditions, the oldest couple bearing the family name is supposed to walk in first, break the pumpkin and perform the initial few rituals. We were extremely happy that they were able to do all of these especially since she always used to get nervous before any big function and wonder whether she would be able to pull it off. She had an oil spill on her saree that day and got very nervous about whether or not she would be able to get it cleaned especially because it was a saree I had given her for my father in law's 60th birthday ceremonies. She was happy that we settled down closer home, bought our own place and had a properly planned and elaborate house-warming. I think she was quite proud of us. Going forward, I don't think anyone would celebrate our successes, big or small, so vocally or visibly :(

Many thoughts

The past few weeks was a whirl of activity. Going to Hyd for the last rites of Subhash's mom, then coming back, doing some pujas at home, settling back down into routine, Rohan falling sick, then breaking his nose and lips etc etc.

He fell flat on his face when a mattress which was propped up against the wall fell on him when he was with his back to it. Not sure what transpired, the dad and son were upstairs, but almost 99% sure that he went and gave it a nudge or something. Subhash got him down and by then his nose and mouth were streaming blood, and it was a horrible sight to watch. We took him to the ped near our house and she said, since he is not letting her examine him, to wait, give him some ice, and watch if the bleeding persists and then show him to an ENT doc. The bleeding stopped after 10 minutes and he also fell asleep but his face was fully disfigured what with the upper lip being super swollen and the nose likewise. Lip got back into shape in 2 days but nose is still swollen. We took him to his regular ped this Saturday and he said nose looks ok and so does lip. No fracture of nasal bone and that the nature of injury will cause his nose to remain swollen for at least 2 weeks. Its been a week now, got to wait and watch for another week. Kids, and their injuries, it nearly makes the heart leap out of the body and bleed. My little baby!

He again has a runny nose. He keeps getting this every 15 days, and at least now we found a good medicine which controls it quickly, so at least he doesn't end up throwing up food for weeks together. Still, coughing through the night, not sleeping, not letting us sleep etc, gets a bit much to handle.

Sometimes still cannot come to terms that Subhash's mom is no more. Somehow it feels she is someplace else. When I think about the fact that she is not alive anymore, somehow it feels very surreal, as if it is something that is not possible, sometimes it is shocking, sometimes it feels final. Yesterday, an old friend of theirs had come home (his wife also died in Manipal nearly a year ago, succumbing to a neuro complication made worse by her ERD as well), and when her last days were being discussed, it filled me with sadness. For the first time in almost a month, I was close to tears again. The confusion of not knowing where she is or what she is doing, if she is able to see/hear us etc is sometimes bothersome. But at least I feel better in the fact that when she was still around and able to listen, I made my peace with her, she was happy to be with me, happy for everything I did for her, accepted my good-bye and died knowing that I'd take care of his Dad, acknowledged it with her tears, precious and hard to come by in those last few hours. Sometimes I think this peace is the only thing that keeps me from going insane over her death.

61

Today is Subhash's Mom's Birthday. Had she lived four more days, she would have finished 61. Happy Birthday Ma!

RIP, Ma

WARNING: This is a long post. Please feel free to skip. This is more to document my thoughts so I can read them many days hence.

Subhash's mom passed away on Thursday, November 24th. She has left a void which I am sure we have not half assessed or felt yet. It will hit us gradually and slowly. Here is an open letter to her from me, I am sure she can never read it but I am hoping that she can read my mind wherever she is. RIP, Ma, you will be terribly missed.

Dear Ma,

I think of many things about you. It is a collage of thoughts, I cannot straighten them out.

I think of the time I wrote you that first email addressing you as aunty and uncle, wondering how you would take it.

I think of the time when you asked me what colour saree I wanted for the engagement and I said brinjal colour and you actually got me one.

I think of the time you got me that plate of food at our wedding without anyone seeing it so I could eat, since I was very nervous about going hungry till noon. This you did for me alone, while Subhash married on an empty stomach.

I think of the time when you were nervous about coming to the US, getting a visa etc, we used to talk everyday, several times a day.

I remember the joy I felt when I got you to the US. I was showing you our world, and I was quite happy I was able to come to India and take you back, I felt proud that I did the same for you like I did it for my own parents.

I remember you called us as soon as you reached Boston and were happy like a girl because you were able to see and meet Anna.

I remember your child like delight when we went to Disney. I see the pictures and I think, wow!

I remember how much you walked in Vegas. It seems so distant. We covered the entire strip many times in those few days.

I remember how you offered to help S with her wedding rituals when we went to LA.

A remembers you Ma. She says she remembers how you were the only one who offered to help her out with prasadam, when they had their housewarming ceremony.

I remember that yellow wool you got with you from India before leaving for the US so you could knit a sweater for me. You were not very happy with the finish (it was loose) but I always wore it (even to work) just because you'd always be so happy when I did. I am wearing it today (it is cold here, do you know) and wondering are you happy now too?

I remember those UNO games we all used to play and your child-like happiness when you'd win :)

I remember how you insisted I get a chain too when we went shopping for you for your birthday in 2007, exactly 4 years ago, to the date today.

I remember how happy you were that we were moving back. I am awfully glad that we moved back when we did, while you were still able to go around and travel.

I remember how you never let me do anything while we were in your domain in Hyd. Although you were not well, you'd never let me cook or do anything else. If you wouldn't be able to do it, you would arrange for someone to do it, but never let me.

I remember how happy you were when we bought this house and moved into it. I was so happy when we finally got you here and showed you all the renovations we did and when you said it was all so awesome. You were so proud of us! I don't know if I am happy or sad that we had to give you a farewell and send you on your last journey from this same house.

I remember how happy you were when you heard we were expecting. You told me it would be a boy. And I used to tell everyone confidently that it would be a boy. And when they asked me, I'd say, Subhash's mom told me so. Needless to say, they'd be puzzled. Well, we did have a boy!

I remember how you climbed three flights of stairs in spite of it being totally out of your physical power just so you could see Rohan quicker and not wait for the power to be back.

I remember how you arranged for most things for his pujas and naming ceremony. All we had to do was fly to Hyd!

I remember how you'd want to make so many things for him to eat when he went to regular school. I feel sad, you could never finish this dream. I am sure just like Anna and Thammu, Rohan would also have enjoyed your elaborate meal preparations for school's dabba.

I remember how concerned you were about my stressful job and how I had to manage the house, the baby and the job. I know the guilt always stabbed at you horribly. And I was helpless to fix that :(

I remember how you took it on you to do a lot of things which you didn't have to do, for people purely related to me and not concerned with you whatsoever.

I remember how you enjoyed being there for Rohan's major milestones, the naming ceremony, the annaprasana, the first birthday, the second birthday, the aksharabhyasam. We thought, the next and only thing left is the odugu, I wonder if you knew during that conversation that you wouldn't be there to witness that :(

I remember how you bought Rohan his first bicycle. And were happy that he loved it.

I remember how you always let me know whatever little compliments other people paid me. You never missed telling me.

I remember how you said, "You have done so much for me, I can never repay you". After this, you didn't say much else the rest of the days you were at home. You simply were not able to :(

There have been some really awesome times ma and some amazing memories too. You have done so much for me, I cannot simply wrap my arms around it to measure. There were some moments of friction towards the end in the last year or two, but I am glad they were not so big as to glare in the radar. My fault at most times, I admit. I should have adjusted more. I am sorry I did not. The other day, during our last conversation, I forgot one most important thing. To say sorry for all the times I might have hurt you. But now it is too late for it. I hope you can receive my apologies now wherever you are.

Everyone was around you when you finally left. Except me. And Rohan. You didn't want me to see you going. Or maybe you figured that I didn't want to see you going and being the understanding person that you always were, didn't let me go through that pain. I came and saw you, peaceful, detached, finally away in some happy place, far away from all the troubles that beset you here. I hope you will come down once in a while to watch over us. And give us advice in your own way on how to do things or what is best.

RIP Ma, we will all miss you terribly.

A good conversation

Today, I went to the hospital to see my mother in law. The docs have been saying we should remove life support and let it end. I let my father in law and my mother in law's sister go down and when I was alone with her,  I held her one eye open, pressed my face close to hers and told her not to worry I will take care of Naanna (Subhash's Dad), I will keep him with me and look after him, you go happily, don't worry and she actually nodded and there were tears in her eyes!

I was surprised and that is putting it very mildly. Then I told her since you are not opening your eyes, everyone is assuming you cannot hear, but you are able to see, able to hear and able to understand right, and she nodded her head once again. The tears continued to stream.

Then I called Subhash and told him to come up since she was responding to what we were saying. Everyone asssumed she was lost and can't hear what we are saying. He immediately came up and talked to her too. We asked, do you see who this is? Thammu (they call Subhash that amongst them)  has come, and she nodded again. And he was surprised.

Then we told Subhash's brother and when he went back and talked to her, she responded to him too, apparently!

I told her a lot of things, and asked her a lot of stuff, just like I would ask the son. When she cried, I said, "No, amma is a good girl and she must not cry, right", and she actually nodded again. And with this conversation, I suddenly found my peace. I got through to her. She could hear out what I had to say. She was not really lost already after all, and we could still give her some comfort, some parting thoughts, something at all.

I asked her "Shall I go now, I need to go and cook for Naanna" and she was not nodding her head, she wanted to talk, she started moving her lips, at one point a slight voice escaped her throat. I asked her, "What do you want to tell me", but she kept moving her lips and we couldn't make out anything she said. Whenever I said I'd go and come back the next day, she'd start moving her lips, as if asking me not to go. She never nodded her approval for me to go.

I told her many times not to worry about his Dad. We'd be there for him and look after him. I somehow felt she was worrying about him. I felt happy I had my conversation with her and that she actually could hear, see and understand what I was saying. Hopefully this will make her happy and peaceful too, just as it made me. I came back very happy today, I have not felt it in the past few days. And I am happy I was able to enable that for both the brothers as well.

Pensive and sad

Subhash's mom has been in and out of ICUs for the past four months. She has had ERD (End stage Renal Disease) for the past 4-5 years and was going through dialysis. Since June though, she had become susceptible to a lot of problems resulting from other organs getting weak. We had to move her into ICU on Diwali and she spent two weeks in Manipal before coming home last Wednesday and we had to take her back the next week Saturday, after 10 days, again, since she was seeming lost to everything that day. Since this Saturday it has been a long wait for everyone. Waiting for some deliverance. Some conclusion. Some miracle. Today the docs have decided to move her back to the ward since they don't think ICU will help any longer.

How sad is this for her. I cannot imagine why anyone would think this an appropriate thing to mete out to her, even if it is God. She has always helped others in whatever way she could. I don't think she deserves a time like this. Yesterday I went to see her in the ICU, we called out her name several times but she didn't respond. I had hardened myself for the worse a few weeks ago, and still, I wanted to cry. Her plight was tearing at my heart. So many pipes and tubes and that oxygen mask on her face and she was just lying there, oblivious to everything.

Yesterday, when I saw her lying there, I remembered the first time I saw her, she had cut out this big watermelon for me, my mom and sis when Subhash took us home en route to a friend's place. Later, several years past, she told me, he had never got any girl home till then so she knew I must be someone she was going to have a long association with. She was always very active, hated sitting back and letting others work, always wanted to help and felt hopelessly guilty when she could not help in spite of wanting to because of her weakness. Today, I remember a lot of things about her, our long phone conversations, how she shared everything that bothered her all her life with me. My father in law would never let her say anything negative about anyone and so wouldn't her sons. So whatever she needed to vent, she did with her sister and all that and some more with me.  I wonder, is there something she wants to say to me now? I have no way of knowing. She already seems lost to us forever.

I am glad that in the past few days before she went back to the ICU, I was able to take care of her, show her that we all care for her, and try and make her as comfortable as possible. She was the best of moms to both her sons and she did so much, so willingly for them. I am glad we had the opportunity of giving at least something back to her, although it was very insignificant.

I am just praying for a peaceful time for her whatever might come in the next few hours and days.