Destination Des

Yes. We are moving back to India. And I get a lot of Wows. Followed by a bunch of questions. Coupled with exclamations about why so suddenly. People who know me well and/or are in regular touch with me knew this was coming. Today or tomorrow. Or the day after. The rest think its pretty sudden. So to answer it all. Yes. We are moving. And yes. It was part of a long term plan.

A plan that I painted before I even got to the US. I gave myself five years to make or break it:) I am a little over my original budget by a couple of years almost, but hey, delays in schedules, and slips in dates are all part of the project (sorry life!) right?!

Why am I moving? Well, lots of reasons. Probably one that sticks out most is because I want to live in my own land.

Back to the rest of the reasons. Some of them formed way before I even got here. Some of them while I was here. When I sit down to jot this post, all of them come to me in a rush and the end result is a huge mess. So let me try to deal with them chronologically ;)

Years ago, even before I was in the US, I met this person at a conference I went to in Kuala Lumpur. He was born to Indian parents in Malaysia. He got asked if he was Indian a lot of times because of how obviously Indian he looked. And this was a multinational conference so it wasn't uncommon for someone to walk up to you and ask you which country you were from. And he would always say he is from Malaysia and that he is Malaysian. I never once heard him say he was Indian. Are you Indian? No, I am Malaysian. And that was probably it. It was perfectly understandable that he insisted on saying he was Malaysian. It isn't unreasonable for any person to love the land they were born into. I then sub-consciously decided, my kids would never say they are American or from any other country for that matter. They will be Indian. Because I am. To expect kids to be "Indian" just because you are while they are actually American just doesn't cut it, does it?

While I was in the US, a lot of things changed in my own land. When I go back now I get a culture-shock looking at those malls and the people in it. Although I have frequently gone back to India, sometimes as often as once in 6 months, every time I have noticed a change. Traffic has gotten worse. Pollution has increased. Affluence has gone up. But above all, the culture has changed. And I already feel out of sync. When I see this generation's kids there, I am shocked to see the contrast between my own childhood and theirs. So I didn't want to delay that decision to go back to India any further. Because while I am at learning and adapting here, I am moving further and further away from my own culture. My extended family is growing at the same time. My cousins are having kids and they don't even recognize me, and that rates very high in my "totally sad" situations.


Then there is parents. Feel that it is nice to hang around them and comfort them when they need you while not asking them to move away from their own world. But I never wanted to make my parents or Subhash's parents the only reason for going back. Because then you are in this mind-set where you think you are doing something for them. And invariably when you think you are doing something for someone, you start to feel they owe you gratitude for it, consciously or unconsciously. And no matter how much the other person does, a slight digression from nicety immediately puts you in that mode where you go "I did so much for them and this is what I get in the end".

So that was one thing I decided I would never do. Move back to India for someone. My parents and his are one big reason why we are moving (50% of the timing for our decision) but we are not moving for them. We are moving because I am now prepared for it. I know I am done here, I did what I wanted to do, I worked for as long as I wanted, that experience for which I set out is now complete. I have nothing else that I need to hang around here for. I can go back home. And I totally feel free from any condescension psychologically.


So much for the reasons. I think about my move and a lot of thoughts come into my mind. Everyday I am thinking of something different. I have helped my mom run a house. I have gone around doing chores for our place, I have driven around in traffic, but this time its different. I have never really run my own family in India. I was only offshoot to one. And so, I am excited. And curious about how its going to be. And really trying not to romanticize too much because I know its going to be a lot of work.


On a finishing note (just for this post!) Subhash moved to the US for me. Because 3 years ago I wasn't prepared to move yet. I was just getting started on that upward slope from the deepest and lowest fall in life I have ever seen, and I was not ready to end this chapter. Not yet. What I wanted from the US, I hadn't gotten. And like I said, I didn't want to move back for him. Feeling that I am giving up something for him. Because I knew my own weakness. I would always hold him to it. I did this for you. Its much worse with a spouse than it is with parents. So he moved for me (he obviously doesn't suffer from the same weakness, to date he has never held me to it once :D. Never!). And when I think about it, I feel thankful for it. Only because he was here, I had an anchor. When I was troubled, he rooted for me. And then I sailed strong.

And now my sail is heading home ... ... at last!!