Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Pensive and sad

Subhash's mom has been in and out of ICUs for the past four months. She has had ERD (End stage Renal Disease) for the past 4-5 years and was going through dialysis. Since June though, she had become susceptible to a lot of problems resulting from other organs getting weak. We had to move her into ICU on Diwali and she spent two weeks in Manipal before coming home last Wednesday and we had to take her back the next week Saturday, after 10 days, again, since she was seeming lost to everything that day. Since this Saturday it has been a long wait for everyone. Waiting for some deliverance. Some conclusion. Some miracle. Today the docs have decided to move her back to the ward since they don't think ICU will help any longer.

How sad is this for her. I cannot imagine why anyone would think this an appropriate thing to mete out to her, even if it is God. She has always helped others in whatever way she could. I don't think she deserves a time like this. Yesterday I went to see her in the ICU, we called out her name several times but she didn't respond. I had hardened myself for the worse a few weeks ago, and still, I wanted to cry. Her plight was tearing at my heart. So many pipes and tubes and that oxygen mask on her face and she was just lying there, oblivious to everything.

Yesterday, when I saw her lying there, I remembered the first time I saw her, she had cut out this big watermelon for me, my mom and sis when Subhash took us home en route to a friend's place. Later, several years past, she told me, he had never got any girl home till then so she knew I must be someone she was going to have a long association with. She was always very active, hated sitting back and letting others work, always wanted to help and felt hopelessly guilty when she could not help in spite of wanting to because of her weakness. Today, I remember a lot of things about her, our long phone conversations, how she shared everything that bothered her all her life with me. My father in law would never let her say anything negative about anyone and so wouldn't her sons. So whatever she needed to vent, she did with her sister and all that and some more with me.  I wonder, is there something she wants to say to me now? I have no way of knowing. She already seems lost to us forever.

I am glad that in the past few days before she went back to the ICU, I was able to take care of her, show her that we all care for her, and try and make her as comfortable as possible. She was the best of moms to both her sons and she did so much, so willingly for them. I am glad we had the opportunity of giving at least something back to her, although it was very insignificant.

I am just praying for a peaceful time for her whatever might come in the next few hours and days.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

ohh :-( .take care..

Vani said...

This is sooo very sad Divs. so shocking. Didn't knew so much was happening. She seems to be such a wonderful person,like your own mother to you. Take care.. Vani

DivSu said...

@Anonymous - Thank you
@Vani - yes, it is very sad. It is just one long wait for us, not knowing what to hope or pray for.

shilpadesh said...

Oh, hugs to you and God bless her and grant her peace. I will pray for her and for all of you.

DivSu said...

Thanks so much Shilpa!

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