Sunday, January 01, 2006

How old am I ...

Disclaimer: This is not some suspense or riddle blog about trying to make you guess my actual, factual age. I explicitly spell it, so you don't have to go mad trying to guess!! (Why mad, of course because you will be left wondering how old a person can have such profound thoughts!) This is just a musing attempt. If you think this is a guess-my-age-with-this-set-of-clues game, then you are wrong and if that is what you would like to do, I would suggest the book, 100 best puzzles of all time (no, I don't know of any book by that exact name, disclaimer in a disclaimer) or just about any book sounding like that:) Thank You.

This morning I was looking at one of my cousins' engagement pictures. It happened in December, of course the couple in the pictures always looks "cute" and so did this one. There is no point in discussing the couple in any wedding slash engagament slash nupital pictures. They always look cute and that is all there is to be said about them. Now the point I am coming OLD am I, and where and how am I choosing to grow old..

One of my younger cousins caught my eye in the pictures. He is EXACTLY ten years younger to me, and as usual I mean exactly what I say so this one is exactly ten years younger to me. We share the same birthday exactly ten years apart! So much for exacts. The last time I saw this one, he was a little boy, and I was perhaps some 16 or 17 years old. So he was really little you see. And today I saw these pictures and it hit me like one big bolt, boy, we have grown so old. This boy is now so old, and I am so much older!:((

So what is the big deal? Everyone grows older, so am I. I think the point that hit me more was that I was growing old and not realizing it at all. Did I have to look at my cousin in the pictures to realize how old I am? Heck no, I know I WAS 21, 22, 23, 24 and when someone asks me today I say I am 25. But you see I am not exactly thinking 25, I am just saying 25 and thinking 17:) THAT is the point of this blog my friend. I saw the pictures only to stop and think, so many years have passed in life, just what exactly was I doing when this happened. How did it go past under my feet without my realiziing it. It didn't strike me I was already way above the 20 mark in life!! Added to that I had to look at the pictures on the 31 of December, when everyone is already and only talking about one more year gone for good, and a new year coming on, unstoppable!Huh!!!

I am not the type who feels sad about growing old. No, don't get me wrong, I DON'T get depressed on birthdays, I love them;) And I love gifts too. I do feel a little lost when I think, in all this time, exactly what this-this-and-this of importance have I achieved, null-zero-zilch!!:(

Already I have gone from I-am-going-to-be-twenty to I-was-once-twenty! When I was in college people who were 20+ were BIG people, who were mature, independent and could do what they wanted with their life, were we-can-take-care-of-everything type people. (Basically I am just trying to say, they were OLD people;) Life-is-over-for-them type people) And I was just a kid who still had a lot of fun childhood ahead, loads of time to have a blast. Now I can't believe I am already in that 20+ category. I guess what I am trying to convey here is that, I never realized I left my brain and heart frozen at like maybe 17 years and grew older since then;)

But, there is one sad part to it and that is where I have chosen to grow old. I would have loved to grow old in the midst of people who saw me grow to 21:) I would have loved to drive past my school everyday, even if it was to work and not to college anymore. I would have loved it if for every birthday I could go to eat like a pig at some chat bandi or go to some around-the corner Archies store in Hyd. I would have loved it so much if I could go hog on food in each (and every) one of my cousins' wedding. And so many more things I would have loved to do back in Hyd. That is how I want to grow old, and that I guess this troubles me more than anything else. The older I grow the more restless I get about going back. When now? When now?

What have I done while I have grown old, gosh!!!! I don't know. I can hardly believe I am already 20+, everything seems to have raced past while I was sleeping! This morning I felt like I was sleeping all this while and grew old in my sleep, as if someone woke me and said, okay get up bahut ho gaya you are already 25:P I wanted to achieve so much, and so much I did, but there is a lot of difference between these two so muches. They have changed and been defined and redefined and chiselled and moulded and what not. I want to achieve so much more, and I hope that will at least be more in congruence with my planning, Amen!

PS: Just what did you think of my disclaimer at the beginning. Amazing isn't it? I think I am getting more proficient at it with every blog, and might just become a really good Disclaimer person some day. I even think I can make a million or two in lawsuits;) So did you finally know my age or do you really need a puzzle book to sharpen your skills?;)


Tejaswini said...

Divs, you echo my sentiments to a large extent. Unlike you, I do get depressed on my birthday. I hate the new year because then I realise how soon the year has passed by. I keep getting the feeling that life is like the sand you clutch in your hand ... it keeps slipping out and you can't do anything about it.

But that's how it is. And, what you can't cure, you endure. So, look at it positively - you are STILL on the right side of 30 :)

And, just go out there and enjoy to the MAX! You are not going to survive life completely anyways :)

HNM Prasad said...

Age is only a number someone said. As long as you sustain the good side of life and give joy to others by smiling you have done your bit. Whenever the thought of growing old depresses, if it does, you think of those who are older than you.....daad

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