Remembering Ma, 10 years after..

This Diwali was like any other - but I couldn't shake off the thought of that Diwali 10 years ago, when we had to rush my mother-in-law to emergency at Manipal. On the way there, she kept saying, she might not survive this bout of "Amavasya" hospitalization. Her mom passed away on an Amavasya and she was somehow sure she would too. We came back - very sober, very reluctant to "celebrate". We burst a few crackers for formality and called it a night.

Although she survived that Amavasya night, she passed away exactly one Indian month later on the Amavasya following. She held on to her life so she could meet my brother-in-law one last time - till he came down, she battled hard. Not many immigrant kids are lucky like that - to find closure and be around when a parent passes away, but she made it possible for him, she wouldn't let go without him being around. 

After he came down, she, in fact recovered enough to spend about a week at home with his family and all her grand-kids. As soon as he left to attend to some work in Hyderabad, we had to rush her to emergency again the following day and that was the last time she was ever home. 

Ten years later, every time I see her picture or think of her, the only thought that crosses my mind is, she should have lived at least a couple more decades. She worked all her life and looked forward to retirement and spending time with grand kids. In fact she used to tell Rohan, that when he starts school, she would pack lunch boxes for him just like she used to for her boys. This morning Rohan said, Amma, she never got a chance to pack my lunch boxes. She never saw me go to school.

She should have lived, she should have been healthy and happy and lived at least a couple more decades. The last few months were tough for all of us, seeing her wither away, lose all her strength and consequently becoming miserable at her own lack of ability to perform even simple daily tasks - for someone who always was going about here and there, it really irritated her confining herself to one place the whole day. Adding to that dialysis thrice a week on top of her already weak frame - it was just painful to see her go through it all :( She wanted to do so much, she couldn't do anything, she really wished to be gone rather than live like that - she even said that ever so often.

One of the nights before we rushed her to emergency the last time, I was giving her an oil massage to ease the pain in her legs and when I was done, she said, you have done so much for me, I will come back and be born to you. When I see my younger one, I feel, she kept her end of this promise. I did really want a boy so she even became one to make me happy :)

She was one of my very vocal supporters and never spared any words when it came to praising or comforting me. I really miss that. Every promotion, every milestone, every achievement, first thing I wonder, if she was around, she would have said this and been so happy. We could have celebrated so well together. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be.

One of her last blogs - we all miss you Ma..

>>

Yesterday I returned from hospital after treatment fully exhausted , tired and hungry .Divya served me hot delicious lunch affectionately inspite of her busy work schedule ,Icouldnot stop myselffrom saying annadata sukhibhava .Ofcourse daily we have hot meals but when u r hungry and weak it makes alot of difference .GOD BLESS HER .

 >>

40 - the decade that went by..

I wrote this piece when I turned 30. About the decade that went by. Significant in its own way and very much "sinusoidal".

In the upcoming 30s, I was expecting a lot flatter curve - and it delivered.

I lost my mother-in-law at 31 and gained her back in the form of my younger son at 33. I do believe he is "her come back" as she promised before she left..

Rest has been smooth sailing. Settling in - raising kids, moving two homes till we finally ended in the one we live in, finally changing jobs after 15 years and so on and so forth. It has been eventful, happy and content. And yet, never in spikes. And I love it that way.

If my teenage self saw my 40-year-old self, I think the teenage version would be inspired and would want to emulate the 40-year-old version. Enough said :D

Looking forward to being the same, and staying equally spirited through this next decade!!

A dozen!

Today I finish twelve years at Cisco. That is three in SJ, and nine in India (already!). I worked very hard to land this job what with 9/11 happening and no hiring and on top of that me being an immigrant student and all that fun stuff! But when I did land the job, what a thrill that was! It was my dream company for the longest time and I was looking forward to finally moving AWAY from Wisconsin (and the winters!) Since then, there has been no looking back. There has been a lot of learning, projects, people, products, customers, situations, hours, runs, teams, sports and what not.

And not to forget, this year the CSCO ticker finally went past the elusive 32 USD mark after ten long years!!

Fifteen already?!

Yesterday was Dad's birthday - which means today was the day I left home to pursue my own path in life! It has been 15 years to date! What surprises me more than the fact that it is 15 years already is that it just seems like yesterday that I wrote that 10-year note - the last five years have gone by in a snap for sure - God knows where! But the point is, I had fun, I had a lot of fun. Except, of course when I had to see my mother-in-law off to the other world.

So, thank you life! And Happy Birthday Dad! Unlike when I wrote that 10-year note, now we spend all your birthdays together, and that is priceless!

And a shout-out to all my engineering buddies. It also means we finished that engineering course 15 years ago! Gosh, we are growing old..

8

Eight years ago on this day, we took a flight out of SFO to Bangalore (never to go back - to this day at least!). We were coming back home, for me, after a seven year stint in the US.

I was a little nervous - we heard so much and yet so little. So few people moved back for good. Would we like it? Would we hate it?

Adding to that, I had never worked in India before - my first job and entire career had been in the US. People warned about things being different. There being more politics. The whole "sir", "madam" culture. Phew!

We came, we landed at a friend's place (of course all this is history, anyone can read it on my blog if they scroll back eight years!), they were gracious enough to host us for a week. Next day we set out with the friend's car and driver, spanned the length and breadth of Outer Ring Road and by evening had actually signed the lease for an apartment.

I still miss that apartment, so roomy, and airy. On the tenth floor, with a beautiful view of Bellandur Lake every morning!

Then we hunted for a house to own, bought one, had a kid, lost mother in law, had another kid, moved (in some direction at least) in careers and what not. Its been a blissful journey, one that I would not alter for anything.

It definitely helped me that most of the management at work here was from SJ and had worked there predominantly - the culture was exactly the same, made it a lot easier to blend in. My first and last day at Cisco SJ were exactly the same - 3/21. Exactly three years. I still miss that team, I have often said, the team and manager were the only things I ever missed from the US ;) But now I can confidently say, I have had many experiences here which help alleviate the longing for being back in a team exactly like that!

After we lost my mother-in-law, we often wondered, at least in the first couple of years, if we should move back. We have even traveled places to see if we would like to live there. Till date, we have not found another country we would like to immigrate to (US was anyway ruled out, been there done that, it wouldn't be exciting anymore unless some day we are forced to go back because of a super lucrative offer ;) ;) ). End of the day, polluted, or dusty, or crowded, or hot, we love this land, we want to be a part of its journey to greatness - we hope we will journey to greatness in our lifetimes and our kids will be happy and proud to have been born here!

To that day, cheers!

Four years..

Today its been four years since we lost my mother-in-law. Cannot believe it. at every critical juncture in our lives, we feel the loss. If she were around she would be so happy and what not. But, such is life. We miss her and hope we make her proud wherever she is!

Dear WM..

Dear Digital Weighing Machine @ Cisco

It has been a long and arduous journey. And a harrowing one too at times. But we did it!

The journey started a year ago, almost exactly to date too. At 62-point-something. This time I was determined and there were no excuses, no more kids to come, no more reason to hoard all that weight. I also had access to a gym now unlike the prior years when I was on my own. Bottom-line - nothing was to stop us.

I remember walking nearly 700 meters to see you every week when I was in a building farther off. As the steam picked up (and I felt the need to walk more), the visits became more frequent. Till we met daily. I often wondered if the receptionist at the health care center thought that I was mad. But one had to do what one had to do.

Then I moved closer, and it became easier. Just a flight of stairs.

Some days you were stubborn. For weeks together, you would insist on showing the same numbers or even worse, higher! There were days when I would come expecting great stuff and be sorely disappointed. There were days when I would come out of only sheer habit and would be shocked to see a positively low number. Mixed feelings, eh?

But finally today, you acquiesced. You showed me what I wanted to see for one whole year! We did it, together. 

It was a lot of sweat (literally) and hard work - but you always kept me challenged and motivated. Especially those last 2 KGs were excruciatingly elusive - took a whopping 4 months to shed! 

Some other helping hands in the journey - those shoes and that gym..

I am going to miss having a goal to meet - but that is quite alright! The big thing is, we made it!!

Your ardent follower..

PS: I have to thank My Nokia Phone for getting me into the step counting business, and myfitnesspal.com for counting my calories for me every single day!

Yet another new beginning

Today schools started after the summer vacation. Older one now goes to 1st standard! I cannot believe it. It is a new experience, now he will be at school full day with snack box and lunch box and water and what not. Yeah, forget the acads, I am always worried about what he eats and whether he will eat!!! Rest if easy ;)

I hope he has a great time and many more such exciting school years. Regardless of what he felt (mostly regret, I think, at the vacation coming to an end), he got up, got ready, ate and sat in the bus and went - just like that. We got his section changed so he can be in the same class as our neighbor's kid, his only friend in the layout, so we are hoping that will have some benefits and will bring some comfort to both of them!

And a huge kudos to grandparents. Managing two rowdy boys at home all day is no joke and they did it! Phew! :)

Second

Today the son finishes two years! That seems like a long long time. And yet, it is just two years!

The brothers are worth watching :) They fight, they pull out each others hair and they also love. Especially the older one swings from one spectrum of being extremely possessive of his toys and getting really upset with his brother for playing with them to the other end where he can entertain his brother for hours on end. The younger one just blindly follows the older one. Period. Anywhere he goes, anything he says, he will follow and do it!

That also marks one year of moving into the current house. Its been a good stay so far, the teething issues notwithstanding. Looking forward to many more!

Today I ran 10K for the first time. One of my colleagues wanted me to run the TCS 10K happening later in May and I was not at all sure I could do it. Plus he wanted me to enlist for the corporate team challenge where you had to have a competitive timing et al. So I told him that I first wanted to check if I can even run or not and off I went early AM on a Sunday to test my mettle! I finished in 56 minutes and a few seconds and he was very happy and registered me for the TCS 10K! I could have never imagined this even a year ago! Me running 10K in one shot in under an hour for the very first time! Again, nothing but gratitude to my body for performing these unthinkable feats!

Thirty five and how!

This week I marked being around in this world for 35 years. Funny as it seems, I rather don't feel that old. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. But really, it is true!

Around this time last year, I had resolved to lose most of my post pregnancy weight and then some more. So this past year has seen me shed close to 13 KGs and I think its fairly visible now. I get a lot of comments from "you are looking weak", "you are looking fatigued", and even "you will look old if you continue on this trajectory" to "you look like a college kid", "for a moment I didn't recognize you, I thought you were a new college hire" "you have two kids?!, I thought you had just one" and anything in between. All in all feeling really fabulous these days ;) Never better.

But more than anything, my life has always been happy. I don't ever remember my life being sad. Troubled yes, but not sad. There were a few years in my early 20s that I wish would have been written differently, but as years go by I feel that for having struggled and fought and kicked and survived then, I'm still being repaid in kind with a peaceful and happy life now. As an added bonus, parents are now with us all the time, and every evening, I think about and thank this one aspect of my life. But all this sunshine aside, the past 2-3 years have been particularly peaceful. Not at war with anything or myself. Somewhere I feel, this quiet contentment and overriding peace comes as a gift from my mother-in-law. I don't know why, but that is how I feel. Somehow since she passed, she has used whatever higher-than-us power to grant us a really peaceful state of mind and life. It is not to say that life hasn't been without its ups or downs. But just that no matter what happens, what comes and goes, I never find myself fretting or being robbed of my peace at all. Ever. Very strange and yet very true.

Here is to a cool, next 35!

A new year to finish 10 years!!!

I finish 10 years with Cisco today. For a change, it doesn't feel like I joined yesterday or anything. It feels in fact that it's been much longer! Often I catch myself thinking, has it been just 10 years? Feels more like 15 or 20!

Considering that I've seen most major life events during this stint, I'm not surprised. In fact, aside from emigrating to the U.S, all life events have been while I was employed here. Got engaged and later married, moved back, seen my mother in law pass away, had not one but two kids, phew! Quite a lot!

And through it all, it's been an employer without fault. I've had real palpitations at the thought of quitting and going someplace else. That's when I figured, it's more than just an employer. It's second home.

I still remember those days. Of financial worries and job insecurity in a land where no job meant no status, visa issues etc. That way, whenever I think of this role, it feels like a saviour. It literally pulled me out of the dark depths of life, in more ways than one. It brings a smile to my face for sure.

Then California. Oh, was it a relief after the four years in Wisconsin. I loved Wisconsin, and Madison. But the winters, oh, those were things nightmares are made of! For a South Indian used to scorching heats, they were repulsive. Period. California was a welcome relief and a generous dose of sunshine, Indian stores and Indian-ness in general :D

I remember how I was staying with V and S, and my join date was delayed by a week, thanks to some goof up from HR in visa process. I can never thank both of them enough for the kindness they showed and for the good times I had with them, especially S :) I remember looking around for apartments, moving into one, stuff arriving from Milwaukee, setting up house and so on and so forth. And the car arriving. Just in time for the Monday morning drive to work. If I had started on time, I would have had to find a way to drive myself to and from work for that one week.

A shout out needs to go to all my colleagues in SJ. It was a fun team and one I have never been able to repeat or experience again. Especially my manager there. I am back as part of his extended team in my current role but its just not the same. He really taught me what mattered and what didn't in his own way. In fact I always maintain, between Subhash at home and him at work, they really made me a better human being!! Even after so many years of moving back, whenever I am in a spot, I just have to drop him a word and he works a 1-1 with me into his schedule. That is the stuff awesome guys are made of!

Nostalgia and memories. Good stuff.

From dream company to second home, it's been a wonderful (just) 10 years! Certainly looking forward to the next 10, and definitely hoping there will be a next 10:)

The unexpected :)

On Friday evening, one of my engineers came to my office just as I was about to leave. He mentioned that the 5C corporate challenge was this weekend (he participates every year in TT) and they were short of one runner and if I'd like to run. It was a 5K run and given that I run 4K every morning, I thought I could manage even if at short notice. I said yes, and before I knew it, I was up at 5 AM this morning and driving to Sarjapur to participate!

As if that was not unexpected enough, I actually won the Gold for women's category. I was shocked, I mean, actually shocked. These were all marathoners and 10K runners all around. In fact I told the guy who was a seasoned runner (and won the men's gold), our team's lead so to speak and who was coming along with me, that I am not a great runner and he should not expect anything but a placeholder. I was fully prepared to be one among the last people to finish. Really, I am stumped.

Victory brings a lot of satisfaction and introspection. And the more I think, the more I thank. I just feel thankful to my body first :) It has always been a very well behaved one, never caused too much trouble, delivered two kids and still keeps going. I always think of my body as separate from my brain and today my brain truly said kudos to my body :) Is that weird? :)

And then I just felt thankful for the support at home. Subhash, my parents and father in law and even the kids! It all has to just work, if I am able to get out of the house at 5 AM and drive myself 25 KMS to just run!I can't ever say enough on this one.

Lastly always been and will be proud to be part of Cisco - my dream company. I cannot believe I've lived this dream for nearly 10 years already!! I was proud to wear that team shirt today. For sure.

All in all, it was fun, shocking, satisfying and a happy business :)

UPDATE: Cisco won the Champions Trophy for the third year in a row! For maximum medals tally!

Bye 2014!! Hi 2015!!

It's been an eventful year - yet again.

Kids - Both kids reached major milestones this year. One turned 5 and the other turned 1! It was also Rohan's first year at a regular school out of Cisco. He adjusted remarkably well - right from hopping on the school bus on day ONE!

Fitness wise too, its been an awesome year - shed almost all of the weight from the second pregnancy - well, ALMOST! Some of it just refuses to go, thanks to two C-Sections.

Moved into the new house this year finally and enjoying all that extra space!

Made a long pending, and long overdue switch in teams at work. This will be my fourth innings in Cisco - hoping it will be a good and interesting one, as with the last three! I've had this team for the last four years though and will certainly miss them.

2015 will be a year full of the decade-long milestones - my stint at Cisco, Subhash's brothers wedding, our engagement and so on and so forth! Looking forward to them!

Really hoping 2015 lives up to all expectations we have from it!

Big Five!

Today Rohan, my older one, turns five! No idea where the time went.

Happy birthday to simply the best son in town! :) Hands down! He taught me many things about life, parenting, being there for someone and on and on, the list is endless. He bore the hardship of having to go off to a daycare at 1 and took it in his stride and never ever cried! He is so brave and yet so vulnerable, he makes you proud and want to protect him at the same time! And so on and on.

Happy Birthday Rohan :) May god keep you safe, happy healthy and prosperous always!

Done with one, on to the next!

Today is Rohan's last day at Cisco's daycare. Its been a very emotional week for me. Today I can even find myself choking with emotion, the poignant last day. I still remember nervously bringing a 13 month old strapped in his car seat and leaving him here, worrying (almost obsessing) over what he is eating, whether his diapers are being changed, what sicknesses he is picking up, where he is falling and getting hurt and what not. And all fears did come true in different stages, he fell regularly sick, lost a lot of weight in the first year, picked up a lot of diaper rashes, had his chin gashed very deep once besides a lot of other minor injuries etc. But through it all, it has been a very memorable journey.

And my little brave man did it all for me! It was getting very stressful managing coming to work, shuttling times between mine and Subhash's (I used to come to work 8 to 12 and once I got home he would go to work), then taking calls and handling escalations from home while feeling horribly guilty about not giving an infant all attention that is due to him.

Was waiting for the day care to start and once it did, off he went from day ONE. He never cried, never threw a fit and never complained. But then he has been my perfect boy always, and made me enormously proud - always. There were mishaps, yes, but I think he bore them well.

Of course, he learnt a lot too, and I have to thank each and everyone of his teachers for all that he has built over the past 3 years.

Thanks to my employer and the excellent facility they build on campus, I was able to come back to work full time, focus on my work for a few hours everyday, get my career back on track and also manage logistics very easily, take him with me and bring him back with me. Cisco has that way been an amazing company to work for. Giving back in many more ways than just a monthly (or bi-weekly) paycheck.

He is one of the very few kids (probably less than five) who were around right from the beginning of the center, till they are forced to graduate out finally now :)

Incidentally my younger one will be exactly the same age in a week as when Rohan started going to the daycare. So his duration at this centre is exactly the same as the difference between him and his younger brother in age! The younger one has the luxury of three doting grandparents being around him all the time in the comfort of home. Plus a mom who isn't as obsessive as when she was with the older one. Thanks to a lot of learning between then and now ;) Again a shout-out to my parents and father in law. But for them, I would have to go on a lengthy guilt-trip again, putting the younger one in the daycare and feeling awful about it. Really, having parents around is such an awesome blessing in so many ways!

Also, I start going back to Cisco transport from next month. After nearly five years! I stopped just before I went off on my first maternity leave :) No more compulsion to drive to work and have a car on hand since the son is not connected with Cisco anymore. And so I can give up on driving after 3.8 years finally!  Till the younger one needs to be ferried back and forth. I am looking forward to it!

Here is a shout out to my boy today as he finishes a major phase and enters into a bigger one. I am actually nervous about two things - he is very shy and he still doesn't eat well and definitely not on his own. But all in good time I hope. School-bus, regular school, books, bags, shoes and what not. Here is wishing him a happy and fulfilling childhood, not too academically burdened and hope he has a lot of fun learning life's lessons.

9&6

Yesterday I finished 9 years at Cisco! An eternity it feels like. Felt really stupid at having forgot it till someone congratulated on LinkedIn! Was wondering why date seems familiarly close to a milestone just the previous day. And last week I was thinking about how I finish 9 years next week. But yesterday I completely forgot. This was not just another date of joining for me. It was a transformation of my life in many senses. Financially, professionally, geographically and so on and so forth! Can't thank everyone who's made my life richer at the workplace enough! I have met some really cool, smart, nice people here and made some friends for life. Found people whom I can truly respect too! All in all, the past 9 years has been enriching, happy, enjoyable and extremely flexible. Work has adapted in ways like never before to my needs of peaks (married, yet single life in CA) and troughs (maternities). Can't be thankful enough :)

Next week on Monday, we finish 6 years of moving back to India. (Coincidentally also a Monday that year!) Yet again, a happy decision, but this year is extremely special because our ultimate dream of living together as a family with parents and in-laws under one roof with kids has come true! Hardly a day passes by when I don't feel happy for this blessed phase in life! Hope it lasts forever!! :)

Logging back in :)

Today I went to work after five months!! It was weird, and good at the same time.

A big thanks to my mom, she has once again stood by us as a pillar of strength, and without her around, I would not have been able to do it, the younger one is yet to get into the daycare;) Thanks to her assurance I am also now considering delaying his admission into the daycare till he is at least a year old.

The five months came and went, and here we are already! This maternity leave was vastly different from last time. For starters it was much longer, 5 months vs 3 months. Plus because my mom and father in law were around, I was actually able to catch at least one hour of sleep during the day most of the days unlike last time when I was alone with the baby and also inexperienced to boot, so never caught a wink during the day. Caught up on a lot of Bollywood movies too and in general relaxed much more than last time! Plus did many usual chores like picking up Rohan from the daycare in campus every evening, working out from week one and so on and so forth. The highlight though has to be that I actually managed to complete critical work items like budgeting, ordering, appraisals for the team etc by myself :D!

I met with my team today and also boss and his boss. I think the team was happy to see me back - or so I hope at least ;) Met up briefly with lunch gang too.

All in all, good to be back, albeit for a few hours :)

Thirty Six!! Really?

Today Subhash turns 36! And I find myself going back to the same thought - that when I first met/knew this guy he was 20 :) Merely 20! 36 is an age for older cousins, not us. When did we get here? ;) Well, as long as we had fun on the journey, I guess that is all that matters, a life well lived, so far at least :)

Happy Birthday to the best guy I've known, ever! :)

Two months!

The younger son turns two months today! Already :)

Days are going fast and soon it will be time for my mom to leave. I have to thank her a ton, she has been a really great pillar of strength and immense help these couple of months. I did not have to worry about the kitchen at all, and when she leaves this Saturday will have to start all over again, and see if I can even manage! Between her and my father in law, life has been a breeze so far with very little to manage or worry about. We will all miss her when she leaves, and hopefully she will be back again before long.

The most boring part of bringing up a new born is fast dissolving into the past. More exciting times ahead!:)

A nice and lovely morning

Last night we invited ourselves to our friends' (S and V) place since there was some formality to take care of before the kid turned one month. And they were gracious enough to let us spend the night on extremely short notice. They have a kid the same age as Rohan and apparently he was very excited when told that Rohan was visiting.

We went horribly late, at 10 PM and were feeling bad about having to keep their guy awake till then. The kid waited for us and slept off by the time we went there. We went and immediately called it a day.

We woke up to a beautiful morning. These days summer in Bangalore is back to its usual form with rains and cloudy days and cool and breezy mornings!  They live in this community which is one of the largest in Bangalore and very nice and peaceful, plus since it was Sunday morning, so we woke up to people playing Basketball, tennis etc. 

Both kids woke up and started playing with cars and thoroughly enjoying themselves. V offered us some lovely breakfast and the kids went with S to play in the playground. The biggest attraction for Rohan was the train track (he was previously very scared of this in the dark since he thought the train was coming onto us, in the day when he saw that the track was at a safe distance and the trains were not veering off of it, he was actually quite happy with it ;)), and the trains running back and forth.

We were planning to come back early AM but ended up staying till noon. A very nice and cozy morning well spent. The younger one got a gift from V since he had turned one month too!

Thanks S and V for a very nice start to the one month birthday!!