This Diwali was like any other - but I couldn't shake off the thought of that Diwali 10 years ago, when we had to rush my mother-in-law to emergency at Manipal. On the way there, she kept saying, she might not survive this bout of "Amavasya" hospitalization. Her mom passed away on an Amavasya and she was somehow sure she would too. We came back - very sober, very reluctant to "celebrate". We burst a few crackers for formality and called it a night.
Although she survived that Amavasya night, she passed away exactly one Indian month later on the Amavasya following. She held on to her life so she could meet my brother-in-law one last time - till he came down, she battled hard. Not many immigrant kids are lucky like that - to find closure and be around when a parent passes away, but she made it possible for him, she wouldn't let go without him being around.
After he came down, she, in fact recovered enough to spend about a week at home with his family and all her grand-kids. As soon as he left to attend to some work in Hyderabad, we had to rush her to emergency again the following day and that was the last time she was ever home.
Ten years later, every time I see her picture or think of her, the only thought that crosses my mind is, she should have lived at least a couple more decades. She worked all her life and looked forward to retirement and spending time with grand kids. In fact she used to tell Rohan, that when he starts school, she would pack lunch boxes for him just like she used to for her boys. This morning Rohan said, Amma, she never got a chance to pack my lunch boxes. She never saw me go to school.
She should have lived, she should have been healthy and happy and lived at least a couple more decades. The last few months were tough for all of us, seeing her wither away, lose all her strength and consequently becoming miserable at her own lack of ability to perform even simple daily tasks - for someone who always was going about here and there, it really irritated her confining herself to one place the whole day. Adding to that dialysis thrice a week on top of her already weak frame - it was just painful to see her go through it all :( She wanted to do so much, she couldn't do anything, she really wished to be gone rather than live like that - she even said that ever so often.
One of the nights before we rushed her to emergency the last time, I was giving her an oil massage to ease the pain in her legs and when I was done, she said, you have done so much for me, I will come back and be born to you. When I see my younger one, I feel, she kept her end of this promise. I did really want a boy so she even became one to make me happy :)
She was one of my very vocal supporters and never spared any words when it came to praising or comforting me. I really miss that. Every promotion, every milestone, every achievement, first thing I wonder, if she was around, she would have said this and been so happy. We could have celebrated so well together. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be.
One of her last blogs - we all miss you Ma..
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Yesterday I returned from hospital after treatment fully exhausted , tired and hungry .Divya served me hot delicious lunch affectionately inspite of her busy work schedule ,Icouldnot stop myselffrom saying annadata sukhibhava .Ofcourse daily we have hot meals but when u r hungry and weak it makes alot of difference .GOD BLESS HER .
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